2. Chancellor Ocato does not appreciate hearing about how soft his robes are and/or how much I want a set of my own.

3. It is considered “bad taste” to kill people and then arrange their bodies into compromising positions.

4. It is worse taste to do so in the following places: The Temple District, any of the chapels, any of the castles, or in the middle of Green Emperor Way.

5. Lucien did not give me Shadowmere so that I could board her at Chestnut Handy Stables for the sole purpose of seeing if she’ll eat the Orc.

6. Stealing all of the Blades’ armor and throwing it over the wall of Cloud Ruler Temple is not nice, as it is cold up there.

7. The two Blades who do nothing but spar all day are not suffering from unrequited sexual frustration.

8. I am not allowed to give Falanu Hlaalu directions to every necromancer cave in Cyrodiil.

9. Jauffre is not old enough to have fought in the War of the Red Diamond, and I should stop implying that he did.

10. I am not allowed to purposely mislead those who work for the Black Horse Courier.

11. Likewise, I am not allowed to spread rumors about a yellow-haired Bosmer killing the Emperor.

12. I am not allowed to ask Martin for intimate details about his Sanguine-worshipping days, even if I claim that it’s for the sake of posterity.

13. I will not refer to the town guards as “Interchangeable cannon fodder.”

14. Kool-aid is not a substitute for human sacrifice, even if it is red – and insisting that it is technically “Red Drink” makes me no friends in the Mythic Dawn.

15. Walking around in Mythic Dawn robes and a Daedric claymore while screaming “Die, Unbeliever!” is not considered “stealthy”

16. I am not allowed a test run of the Enemies Explode spell.

17. Sheogorath does not need to be taught the Chicken Dance.

18. Or any Polkas.

19. And most definitely not the Time Warp.

20. In fact, nothing from the Rocky Horror Picture Show is to find its way into the Shivering Isles.

21. Not allowed to wake Blades by standing in the barracks and screaming, “Oh my Gods!  It’s an Oblivion Gate!”

22. I will not tell Syl that 50% of bricks have small listening devices and/or cameras hidden in them.

23. It is not nice to refill Skooma bottles with Red Bull.

24. Just because Guild rules do not explicitly ban some things does not mean that I have a free pass to do them.

25. Archmage Traven doesn’t know the pointy hat trick, and I should stop asking him about it.

26. Ocato’s title is not “Official Seatwarmer of the Empire.”

27. I am not, under any circumstances, allowed to ask Ocato who died and made him boss.

28. Bosmer are not related in any way to Hobbits.

29. Goosing and/or groping people is not an appropriate use of Telekinesis.

30. Critiquing Modryn Oreyn’s art skills is not recommended.

31. To raise skill in Alchemy, one is to taste the ingredient, not spike other people’s drinks and observe the results.

32. Just because I happen to have a paintbrush and a palette does not mean that I have the right to embellish statues that I deem boring.

33. I will not charge the people of Cheydinhal 50 septims a head to tour a real live Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary.

34. Lava is not an appropriate place to test a Dunmer’s fire resistance, especially if the Dunmer happens to be an important, albeit annoying, personage.

35. Vampires do not blush and I shouldn’t try to make them do so.

36. Not allowed to jump out of Oblivion gates wearing full Daedric armor, especially in front of town guards or small children.

37. Scamp heads do not make good puppets.

38. There is no place for joy buzzers in the Shivering Isles.

39. Not allowed to ask Uriel Septim exactly what kind of dreams he had about me, and I probably don’t really want him to answer if I do.

40. Spore gas and Glarthir do not mix.

41. The Wabbajack is not to be used like that.

42. Poison apples do not grow into poison trees and I need to stop trying.

43. Slipping a few chokeberries into the wine presses does not “improve the flavor.”

44. The Cowl of Nocturnal is not to be used for that.

45. I am not allowed to teach the citizens of New Sheoth how to play Calvinball.

46. Stark Reality is most definitely not to be used for that.

47. If I am not a Bosmer, I do not follow the Green Pact.

48. Hist sap is not to be sold as a tasty fruit drink.

49. I am not allowed to mix together Alchemy ingredients “just to see what happens.”

50. Altmer do not bounce.  More than once.

51. No longer allowed to eat more than half dozen sweetrolls in one sitting.

52. No longer allowed to pay my respects to Dibella with ceremonial striptease.

53. Knowing Telekinesis does not make me a Jedi.

54. Mudcrab shells do not make attractive or functional armor.

55. The Nirnroots are not trying to talk to me.

56. Not allowed to rub Jauffre’s head for good luck.

57. Not allowed to rub Gogron’s head for good luck.

58. Not allowed to rub any part of Lucien or Martin for good luck.

59. No longer allowed to own a pair of wrist irons.

60. The Staff of Everscamp is not a good birthday present.

61. No longer allowed into any town while carrying the Staff of Everscamp.

62. The armor of Tiber Septim is not “just my size.”

63. Not allowed to try and take over the Empire again.

64. I do not know kung fu.

65. There is no gunpowder on Nirn, and I am not allowed to make any.

66. Just because I specialize in Destruction Magic does not mean that I am the Avatar.

67. Not allowed to learn Necromancy.

68. Not allowed to teach Necromancy.

69. Not allowed to hire the Blackwood Company to rough up Imperial Guards.

70. Haskill will not fetch me a latte, even if I summon him politely.

71. No longer allowed into White Gold Tower while carrying water balloons.

72. Not allowed to sneak into Glarthir’s house and rearrange his furniture at random intervals.

73. Should not ask Lucien what he was smoking when he thought up the Dead Drops system.

74. Cliffracer eggs are not to be smuggled into Cyrodiil.

75. Not allowed to use Mages Guild apprentices as test subjects.

76. Suntan lotion is not an appropriate present for Count Hassildor.

77. He isn’t looking for blood donors either.

78. No matter how much I beg.

79. Slaughterfish are not haute cuisine, no matter how much ketchup I add.

80. Not allowed to try and act out scenes from my favorite fanfictions.

81. Not allowed to give Falcar’s ring of Burden to beggars.

82. Avada Kevadra doesn’t work in Cyrodiil.

83. Not allowed to tease Nocturnal with her hood after I become the Grey Fox.

84. Not allowed to tie-dye the Cuirass of the Crusader.

85. Not allowed to dye it black, either.

86. Xedilian, despite appearances, is not a good place for garden parties.

87. Dunmer are not Drow.  Honest.

88. It isn’t nice to use Cutter as a training dummy, even if she enjoys it.

89. No longer allowed into White Gold Tower while carrying anything, especially vegetables.

90. Especially, especially watermelons.

91. Hyper-caffeinated Bosmer are a bad thing.  Apparently, they bite.

92. Not allowed to hit on Jauffre, just to see his reaction.

93. Not allowed to take Herdir along while asking for troops for Bruma.

94. First rule of the Duelists: You do not talk about the duelists.

95. Second rule of the Duelists: You do not talk about the duelists.  Seriously.

96. Wearing a false beard around Sheogorath is a bad idea.

97. Hermaeus Mora is not “a refugee from a bad Japanese Hentai.”

98. Not allowed to take advantage of the fact that all NPCs sit around twiddling their thumbs unless I’m within a half-mile of them.

99. Mixing Skooma and Cyrodiilic Brandy is not recommended, and I will be cleaning that up.

100. Never tell anyone in full Daedric armor to “bring it.”